Diary of a Scorpio girl – Entry twelve – the wait was over*…

The following piece of writing is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

It’s so painful when I’m wanting something to happen, but life is not taking me in that direction, so I long for it instead. I ache for it, hoping that it will go in the direction I want it to go but I have no idea what will happen, and the days become distressing waiting for the next instalment of a life plan that I want now. My imagination is running at warp speed, I almost feel ridiculous at the thoughts I’m having, if I said them out loud it would almost seem laughable and how embarrassing if it was all only in my head.

I almost wish my real life was as strong as my imagined life, that there weren’t things I was working on, that things I actually wanted, truly wanted and deserved would happen. It gets tiring imagining the life I want and not living it – being pained by circumstance, and restrictions and judgements and waiting… I feel like I’m always waiting, waiting to feel it, waiting to be seen, waiting for that unbreakable recognition of knowing I’m in the right place with the right person and feeling that huge sigh of relief that yes, this is it, I am finally where I am supposed to be and now, I can breathe because the person I was waiting for has arrived.

When I invited you into my home, I didn’t realise I was also inviting you into my heart, because I didn’t see straight away what you saw, it was as though I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking at or who I was looking at. You held my gaze in a way that felt so powerful, not breaking eye contact it felt like you were drawing me into your world, mesmerising me with your intensity. I thought I was the only one who had such an intense gaze, but you held your own, you matched my power, and it felt euphoric. You spoke so eloquently, in a voice so captivating, I was caught off guard and rarely does this happen to me, I am usually the one in control. This was new territory for me, I felt like I’d met my match, someone who’s depth matched my own, someone who could see right through life in the same way I did.

You had come to view my on the market house, the viewing should have only lasted half an hour or so but we ended up talking for hours, you seemed to be as captivated by me as I was by you. You were wondering why I was selling the house and I explained as briefly as I could that it was because of a change in circumstance, not wanting to open a painful door to my recent past. You looked around inquisitively, smiling periodically and I felt like I was in the presence of something pure. Every time your eyes met mine, I felt like you were breaking walls I had been building for years, you did this so effortlessly, you put me at ease, I liked it. I liked your energy, I liked the way you carried yourself, I liked what you said in the way you said it, and everything that didn’t make sense in my life was fading. As we toured my home one last time, you suddenly stopped and faced me and I internally gasped, I wasn’t quite sure what was happening or what you were about to do. But I wasn’t scared, I was intrigued, I was curious, I was hooked, who are you I wondered. The next time you spoke it was as though you could see something in the future I hadn’t – you told me not to sell the house. I asked why and you said, “because the wait is over” and in that moment all the walls around my heart melted, and I knew exactly what you meant for it did indeed feel like the wait was over.