Diary of a Scorpio girl – Entry eleven – if only*…

The following piece of writing is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

I could not believe my actual eyes, not for a second, seeing you after 25 years, it was a sight to behold – the recognition which came with that floored me. I hadn’t seen you since we were 16 years old and yes, we’d both changed, we were mere kids when we last saw each other but it broke my heart that you hadn’t recognised me in return. Especially as it hadn’t taken me that long to recognise you, it was when you started speaking that I thought, woah, it’s you isn’t it. Internally my heart beamed, externally I had completely stopped listening to a word you were saying as I felt like I was having an out of body experience. You looked at me quizzically as I was no longer responding to you, I apologised and asked you to continue.

You were always a head turner in school but now you had really grown into your looks, it suited you, you had more of a rugged handsomeness about you now, whereas before you had more of a boyish charm, either way, you had always held my attention. We were best friends through much of our schooling, but we were always teetering on the edge of being slightly more than friends – there was always that something more between us. Why it never materialised into anything further always baffled me, because I had wanted you and it felt like you had wanted me too, especially as you never dated anyone at school, despite the droves of girls who threw themselves at you. I often asked you why you never wanted to date anyone, to which you’d always smile at me, in only the way you could and say, I’m just not interested. You were either playing sports or you were hanging out with me – we were always together, goofing around, always laughing, always getting in trouble, forever in each other’s shadow. It was like we were soul mates, the calmness I felt around you was something I loved basking in, we complimented each other completely in how in sync we were. We were more like twins, maybe that’s why you didn’t want to cross that line in case we lost that. You always had this very specific way of giving me a sideways glance whenever you wanted my attention and I never told you how much this would make me melt, it warmed me from head to toe, quite often halting me in my tracks.

Fast forward to our current timeline and as you were talking to me in a therapeutic setting, you did it again – you gave me that same sideways glance and my heart practically stopped as I felt the adrenalin shoot through my body – you still had that effect on me. I was blown away by its power, by your power, the decades had done nothing to dull your allure. I had wondered for years what had happened to you for I had carried a piece of you in my heart all this time. You had never really left my system even when I moved overseas at the age of 16 – I remember the last day we spent together at school – you cried all the way home and I was sobbing my heart out too, for I couldn’t imagine not seeing you every day. We wrote to each other over the months and years that I was overseas but as we hit our late teens the letters began to dwindle and then they stopped all together. When I moved back, I wrote to you again hoping we could reconnect, but the letter was returned unopened – you had moved and I had no way of finding you, as this was at a time before the internet. I felt heartbroken again, as you were still very much in my thoughts, the thought of your smile still warmed my heart. When the internet did become a thing there was still no trace of you online and I knew there wouldn’t be as confident as you outwardly appeared there was also an almost private shyness about you – you liked to keep your deepest thoughts and feelings to yourself. That’s why I felt so special because you’d always share those very musings with me – you never held back, you told me everything, you made me laugh, you were more than happy to show me your wicked sense of humour, your curiosity about life – my word were you curious – you’d always ask me the most in depth questions about life, about love, about friendships, about it all and we’d spend summers making up our own games of make believe because we both possessed an imagination that rivalled all those around us – it was like we were uniquely living in our own version of the world. We thrived together, our combined energies made us soar, we’d run together, you’d take my hand and we’d run and run and run until our lungs were on fire and then we’d collapse in a heap barely able to contain our laughter – it was so pure, our love for each other was so pure, it was honest, it was beautiful, and it was rare.

In my thirties I got married but it didn’t last as no one had ever come close to what I had felt and wanted from you. You too got married in your thirties, you also had had children and you seemed to have achieved everything that was expected of you, but as you sat before me now, it was clear to see you were not happy – you didn’t know why you’d married your wife; your marriage was not working and hadn’t been for a while and my heart bled for you. I could see the intensity with which you’d been battling these feelings so much so that you’d now become a shell of your former glorious self. To me you still looked magnificent, but I could feel how low your energy had become, it was no where near the heightened sense it used to be when we were kids. I so desperately wanted to tell you who I was, but I held back, I didn’t know if it would have even been appropriate to tell you because you were married. Yes, we were once friends, soul mates even, and I had forever hoped we’d meet again and now that we had, I felt fearful in how you might react if you had recognised me. I had felt so hurt when you’d stopped writing to me, I never understood why that had happened especially as I thought we’d forever be in each other’s lives in some sort of capacity. I found myself staring at you, staring hard, hoping you’d see me, hoping you’d look deep into my eyes and realise who I was – I was hoping this would provoke the memory of us for you. I tried so hard to energetically communicate with you, to almost telepathically say, it’s me!! I guess I could have told you, but it didn’t feel right especially as you were in so much pain from your broken marriage, what would you have done had you known who you were confiding in. You did seem to feel calm in my presence in exactly the same way you used to make me feel calm. And that was comforting. However it became increasingly painful for me to be around you, you had ignited in me a fire of love so bright it felt like I was being burnt from the inside out – I still wanted you, even more than before but I couldn’t compromise you by telling you – I kept thinking you’re married, you have kids, you have this whole other life – would I be complicating your life further by telling you who I was.

So I walked away from you, you were a bit confused as to why, I did my best to try and explain it to you and you took on board my explanation even though it didn’t really make much sense. I knew I had to let you go, I had to let you figure out how to save yourself. I did try to communicate with you from afar but even that proved too painful for me, so I let that slide too. If only you knew, if only, you knew my greatest wish for you would be for you to be happy and to recognise in me what we should have always been – forever friends, forever in love, forever together – if only.