Diary of a Scorpio girl – Entry fifteen – grateful*…

The following piece of writing is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

I was supposed to be having a good time, at a house party, dancing all my heartache away – wanting to escape my current reality. The party was good, the music was loud, just the way I liked it. I was in good company and though I don’t drink I felt drunk, hazy almost, as I let the music take me away, far, far away. My friends were dotted around, talking, drinking enjoying the vibe. After what felt like a decent amount of time catching up with them, I told them I was gonna be around – they knew what that meant. I needed to be on my own, I needed to breathe, to reflect and to just let myself succumb to beat of the music – I needed to not be in my head.

The last person I wanted to see was Jason. I’d briefly seen him earlier, but I had avoided him on purpose – we weren’t in a good place. I was fully aware that he wanted to talk to me, that he wanted so much from me that I just couldn’t give him, hence the avoidance. Before I knew it he had spotted me, there was no escaping – so I stayed put. I could smell the alcohol on him even before he’d reached me. He looked both upset and happy to see me. His eyes were glazed - the pain they held was evident. As he stood before me he reached for my hand and held it tight, not saying a word as he fixed his gaze upon me. His grip on my hand was hurting me, and I said as much.

He apologised and let my hand go. He said my name so delicately, almost whisper like, but it felt so loud to me. He stood close, the familiarity of which brought back so many memories – how could it not, we’d been married for over twenty years. I knew he still loved me, it had never stopped for him. But I was in a completely different place and as much as I kept reiterating this, he’d always fall deaf to my words as though he didn’t want to believe them or accept them. He spoke after what felt like an eternity of solid eye contact - “I’m still so in love with you” – I felt the power of his words.

He’d always wielded such gravitas that I still felt the strength of his emotions, so much so I began to feel myself being engulfed in the cloud of his longing. I hated being the one to break his heart, all over again, but I had to because I was in love with someone else. “Jason, you have to let me go… I don’t feel the same way, not anymore and I haven’t for a long time”. I saw his body stiffen as anger flashed through his eyes – it wounded me. “It’s him isn’t it, that guy… and he doesn’t even want you, what did he say… oh yeah, he doesn’t even want to be your friend…” – his words pierced the air like bullets travelling to their victim. Tears began to pool in my eyes at the accuracy of what he had just said – he was right, I was in love with someone who didn’t want me, and it hurt, a lot.

Upon seeing my tears, he immediately softened and apologised, his tone changed to one of concern – “I just think you deserve so much better, that’s all” – “I know, I know I do, and I am trying my best to get past him, but it’s not that easy”, “what is it about him that has you in such a chokehold?” – “everything”. I could see Jason’s brain desperately trying to process what I had just said.

His face displayed a mix of both sadness and protectiveness that I instinctively leaned into his incoming embrace. He held me close, so close that I began to heavily cry. I couldn’t help it, for I had unknowingly given my heart away when I hadn’t meant to. And here I was in the arms of my ex-husband crying over a guy who couldn’t return to me what I craved. Jason could feel me sobbing and, in that moment, he turned into exactly what I needed – he turned into a friend, pure and simple. And for that, I was eternally grateful.