Diary of a Scorpio girl – Entry eight – I will continue to try*…

The following piece of writing is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

[Trigger warning: themes of suicidal thoughts]

I’m at a crossroads and although I don’t really feel stuck, I do feel a bit unsure, as I can either go in one direction with certainty of what that future would look like or I wait to see what the possibility of the other option might look like. This option is an unknown road I haven’t travelled down before but it’s the one I am most hopeful for – it’s the road that my heart desires but it is laden with so many what ifs, so many, with no real assurance that it’ll actually work out for this road is more of a “I would love that to happen” option. Lately I feel like I am losing my sparkle, day by day it seems to be diminishing which saddens me as I have an ocean of love to share with my fellow mankind.

I am pouring myself into my work, listening to my clients with an open heart, allowing them the space and kindness to express themselves and alleviate themselves of some of the troubles they are currently burdened with. However outside of this work I am feeling less and less fulfilled and I fear my heart has started to turn cold, my warmth already feels like it is cooling, and I am wondering why this is happening. I think if I’m really honest with myself I know the reason why – unrequited love. I want to be hugged by love, I want it to find me, face me and hold me so tightly, maybe then the tears that roll down my face will finally be ones of joy. Come find me love, come to me, give me your warmth, your embrace, your protection, give me a reason to smile, make me carefree, make me care less, fill me with everything you have. For I am so empty, I am tired, I am weary, I am heavy, I am in pain, I am worn, I am lifeless and downtrodden because all I do is look for you. I search for you everywhere, in every corner, in every fold, in every window and eyes of all those I meet but I can't find you. I really do wish it would find me, I really do. To feel so deeply can quite often feel like a curse more so than a gift but what keeps me going is knowing that when that love is reciprocated it multiplies in a way that would envelop me entirely and that is what I long for the most.

There is another part of me that often thinks of ending it all – would that really be the easier option, those thoughts haunted me throughout much of my teens and my twenties and every now and again when all feels helpless, they return almost with a comfort of their own. When I do want to end it, I think daily of how I would do it - pills, slit wrists, car crash, jumping off a bridge, my fear is not of death itself but of surviving. What stops me is the soft voice the emanates from deep within my chest that whispers "wait... just a little bit longer, for it's going to get so good, you'll be glad you waited!". With the last scrap of hope I have - I relent, in that I listen and wait. But as each day ends and nothing changes, I regret listening and waiting. I often pray the sweet kiss of death takes me during the night, for I do not enjoy the waking sunlight that finds me. Who would really miss me anyway. Would you miss me, would I miss me, would I miss this life, would I miss my dream and fantasies, or would I finally be at peace knowing that I am no longer waiting. I feel like I’ve been forgotten and it’s not fair because inside I am screaming to be seen.

I try so hard to be this beacon of hope and light to others because I know what a lack of both does to a human being. I try and share what love I have left because I feel like I bleed it – I feel like I have so much of it to give that it oozes from me, maybe that’s why people are drawn to me. I try and be upbeat, I never willingly bring anyone down, I show people what love should feel like because I have felt the vastness of it, it’s never-ending form, it’s transformative powers that being without it leaves an abyss of darkness. So every day I try and share the love I have with my fellow human beings, I try and bring those in pain into the light, I try and show them their own power, that they have choices, that they are not trapped, that they too can bask in the glory of true love. Maybe that is my purpose to share the love I have with as many people as I can, to hold their pain, to listen to their woes and be that guiding voice. So in the hope that maybe, just maybe, it will hurt a little less I will continue to try.