Diary of a Scorpio girl – Entry four – I want you to see me*…
The following piece of writing is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
I have always lived in the shadows, hidden from the world, not knowing how to be, not really feeling comfortable with who I was or who I wanted to be. That has changed, I don’t recall when it happened, but I think I’ve found myself, I think I know now who I am, who I was always meant to be and I like it, I like it a lot. I’ve found my power, my worth, my beauty, my wisdom, my gift to the world and it has finally, finally sunk in that I am enough, and I always was. The harsh voice within me that ruled my life has gone, been put to bed, has been banished, has disappeared and it feels so light inside my head now, it feels free, it feels liberating to know that I can look at the world and not be afraid, that I can do what I want to do and not be criticised, judged, blamed or chastised.
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the pain of a lost youth or a lost life, the things I could have achieved if I hadn’t been treated like a criminal, unwarranted in every way. I never knew why my parents hated me so much, they made me, they brought me into the world, but there was no love, no acceptance, no freedom, just restriction upon restriction and I could never see why – what did I do that was so wrong, I did everything they wanted me to do, every single thing, the career they wanted me to follow, the clothes they wanted me to wear, speak the way they wanted me to speak, behave the way they wanted me to, to take paths they wanted me to follow, never questioning them, ever, I was the good child, the child that listened, the child that cried herself to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, the child that felt so alone, so very alone. Cruelty, neglect, abandonment, abuse was all so familiar to me that I dissociated every chance I got. I didn’t know what real love or care or understanding felt like. I didn’t know what true happiness felt like and as soon as I could, I left them and didn’t look back. And guess what they didn’t even try to keep me, they let me go like I meant nothing to them, like all those years of my life I dedicated to them meant nothing, everything I did to appease them, to make them happy, to keep them sane, looking after them whilst losing every part of myself was all for nothing.
My tolerance to pain, misery and darkness felt like something I’d always have to endure. How do you live in a world where the two people who are supposed to protect you the most, guide you, love you unconditionally, cherish and adore you are the very two people who destroyed every inch of self you ever had. I have worked so hard, so incredibly hard to rebuild something so broken, it’s taken years, thousands spent in therapy, a shedding of a million tears, a constant wanting to run away and not face it – but I did it – I did it all, I took every painful step back to myself because deep down I knew I had to find myself again, I had to.
Which brings me to this moment, this very moment when I no longer feel broken because now when I look in the mirror I don’t recoil, instead I see me, I see her, I see it, I see it all, for I have always been there in the shadows waiting for this moment to shine, the windows to my soul no longer filled with pain – my eyes now sparkle with hope, a better tomorrow and a new beginning. So, now that I see who I am, I am no longer afraid for you to see me because I now want you to see me.
